February 23rd, 2023
“The 5 Love Languages,” a wonderful book by Gary Chapman, opened my eyes and soul to the love needs of my daughter. I truly believe that five love languages is one of the things that should be taught at school.
Teen years come after long years of childhood when kids were loved, cherished and hugged profusely and frequently by parents, grandparents and extended family members. Now, that they have become teens and they want to establish themselves as adults, they very often exude aloofness and it may seem like they do not need love. However, they need love more than ever. Teenagers are especially vulnerable to the absence of signs of love. With all the confusing changes happening in their minds and bodies, they may feel conflicted about what they need and they very often send us mixed signals about their love needs. That is why it is so important to listen and observe carefully to discover your teen’s love language and use the knowledge to fill up his/her love tank.
So, how do you show love to your teens?
First, you need to know their love language. To discover their love language, listen to what they complain about:
- You never hug me anymore (they need physical touch)
- You yell at me all the time (they need words of affirmation)
- You never listen to me (they need quality time)
You can also give your teen an easy quiz to take to see how he or she needs to be loved.
Words of Affirmation (flower words for the soul)
These are words of affection and praise, compliments, words of encouragement and guidance.
When saying words of affirmation to teens, you should:
- Praise what the teens had control over and what they did
- Be specific in your praise: ‘You did a good job making sure your sister ate her dinner. I liked how you encouraged her by explaining what our bodies need to grow.’
Examples of Words of Affection/Compliments:
- ‘I love you’
- ‘I enjoy being with you.’
- ‘I respect you.’
- ‘I adore you.’
- ‘I am proud of you for_________.’
- ‘I see you did something new with your outfit/ hair/ make-up.’
- ‘That dress looks nice on you.’
How and when to say words of affection:
- Call them just to say ‘I love you.’
- Leave notes for them
- Send an e-mail with a note or praise
- When they mess up, start by saying ‘I know that you had good intentions.’
- When they feel down, you share five reasons why you are proud of them: ‘You know, I was thinking of you today, and I am so proud of you for _________.’ And then continue: ‘I didn’t like what happened there. We need to sit down and think about what can be done differently. You can tell me what you think.’
Words to encourage: tell your teen that you notice s/he is trying to fix something.
- ‘I see that you are doing better at it than yesterday.’
- ‘Do not give up.’
- ‘Reading about how to solve this worked. You are better and better at that. Good job!’
Words of Guidance: when you give those, look at:
- What their interests are
- What you see is important for them: secret motivation or desire
- What they might be good at
AND
- Praise your teen’s success or action.
Physical Touch
Examples of physical touch can be hugs, kisses, a pat on the back, a touch on the arm, an embrace.
When expressing your love with physical touch remember these three things:
- Is this an appropriate time?
- Is this an appropriate place?
- Is this an appropriate manner?
The mood they are in needs to be considered. Their body language will tell you if they want to be touched. If you sit down to talk to them and they move away, if their arms or legs are crossed, if they are angry, do not touch them.
It is generally better not to touch your teen in public places and since teens can be sensitive to their image, it is better not to touch them in front of their friends.
In hurried situations, a rub on the back can be better that a hug or kiss. Hugs may be better when they go to bed.
Playing games that require a physical touch, offering a massage, or just blowing a kiss can be great.
Quality Time
Quality time is uninterrupted fun time with your teen. The message you want to send here is ‘I am paying attention to you.’ It involves eye contact, body language (relaxed and attentive), and touching. Quality time can mean:
- Sharing thoughts and feelings (having conversations about everything)
- Doing things together (a one-on-one day trip, doing/watching sports together, a spa day)
When talking to your teen:
- Just listen
- Don’t interrupt
- Don’t give advice
- Rephrase what they are saying to make sure you understand
- Ask their permission to tell them your perspective on things
IDEAS to spend quality time with your teen:
- Create traditions like Friday night is a beauty night, Saturday night is a game night, etc.
- Get to know their friends: you can organize day trips, sleepovers, parties, etc., to get closer to them and their friends
- Make and share meals together
- Plant something
- Volunteer
- Do homework
- Do a home project (room remodelling)
Acts of Service
When you hear ‘Will you fix my hair?” or ‘Will you take me to__________,’ your teen is asking you to love him/her right now. You should know then that their love tank is empty and it needs replenishing.
Tempting as it may be, we shouldn’t do everything for them all the time. Sometimes, we need to say ‘Can I do that later, because now I have to take your brother to karate?’ However, we need to always keep our promises. For teens whose love language is acts of service, it seems like lack of love when you forget to do as you promised.
Examples of showing love with acts of service:
- Surprise them with their favourite snack
- Make their favorite meal on their birthday
- Take them to the hairdresser’s for the long needed image refresher
- Find a way your teen can do something valuable in the community
Gifts
Anything you give your teen is an act of love. Here are some suggestions of thoughtful gifts:
- Giving a gift of song
- Creating a scavenger hunt of gifts
- Putting a little gift in their pocket or lunch box with encouraging note
- Buying a ring or necklace without any reason
- Buying a gift together for the needy
- Sending flowers
Keep a stash of small gifts for every occasion that may come in handy when you see your teen’s love tank is near empty.
How do you make sure your teen’s love tank is full?