March 2, 2023
One of the most earth-shuttering things I have ever read is a poem by Dorothy Law Nolte. It summarizes everything a deeply wise upbringing should embrace to produce wonderful humans.
Here it is:
CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE
By Dorothy Law Nolte
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to love themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and others.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Personally, the statement ‘If children live with approval, they learn to love themselves,’ is very meaningful to me. Lack of love for oneself causes a chain reaction. If you don’t love yourself, you are not able to love your children. If you do not love your children, they are unable to love themselves. If they don’t love themselves, they don’t pass love to their own children, and it often goes on like that for generations.
I did not always feel the unconditional love of my often busy and distracted parents and that is why I wasn’t able to love myself for a long time. Only when I reconnected with the little girl in me, did I start to love myself and accept myself just the way I was, with all my quirks and deficiencies. I did a psychological exercise; mind work, to achieve that. I found a quiet spot in my home and took out a childhood picture of mine. I stared at it and in my mind’s eyes, I went back to the time when I was that little girl. I talked to her lovingly, reassured her, hugged and kissed her. I told her how much I loved her, and that she was perfect and she mattered.
It took many such exercises for me to start feeling confident and loved, but after a while, I noticed that my relationships with people became more genuine. Because I liked myself, I didn’t care as much what they thought of me, which put less strain on relationships with them. Also, I projected my confidence on them. They started to notice that little disagreements don’t ruffle me any more.
My relationship with my daughter has also improved. We were able to connect on a more emotional level and I hope she feels cherished by me. By nurturing the child in me, I hope to love my daughter the way she needs to be loved.
Which statement is personally relevant to you and how?