As a teenager, I often pushed my mom away, even though I desperately wanted her closeness. The more pressing the need for her was, the more I pulled away. I remember her often asking me if something happened and telling me that she was always there for me when I needed her. I would deny that anything bothered me and refuse to talk to her. She needed to ask me many times before I finally opened up. Crazy, right? I think it may be the case with many teenage girls. I also think that we, as mothers, should never give up on our daughters and just leave them alone, even though this is what they ask for, because deep down, they painfully need the closeness and the guidance we offer. Here are some things your teenage daughter wants from you:
Your teenage daughter wants your steadfastness and support.
Your daughter wants to feel that you are there for her no matter what. She needs to know that it is your resolution to support her every time she needs it, and that the support doesn’t depend on a whim or time availability. She wants you to pursue her and make time for her at the time of tribulation. You need to tell her things like:
‘You can always rely on me.’
‘I will always support you.’
‘I am always up for a conversation with you.’
‘ You can be sure that I am never too busy to listen about how your day went.’
Your teenage daughter wants to know she is good enough.
Teenage girls deal with a lot in their daily lives. They are constantly compared and labelled by teachers, boys, and their friends. They often feel unimportant, unwanted and alone. Teens also don’t really know themselves that well and have doubts about what they have got to offer to the world. They need to feel that they matter even though they may perform worse than others and even fail sometimes. What your teenage daughter wants is unconditional love and you need to show it using her love language. She wants to hear these words often:
‘I love you so much.’
‘You are valuable to the world because ____________________’
‘You are so important to me.’
‘I think you will be a success in life because ______________ ‘
She wants to be understood.
Your teenage daughter wants you to listen to what she has got to say. She wants to feel free expressing her complicated thoughts, feelings and fleeting emotions. She will often think as she goes and she will often change her mind. You should NOT treat this as a backflip, but rather, as Lucinda Beaman puts it, applaud her for getting better information and having the courage to look at things from a different perspective. You will need to resist the itch to correct her feelings, and by the way, feelings cannot be corrected, or her way of thinking. She will have to figure it out for herself if she is to become a well-functioning adult. You could offer a different perspective, but only after a while, when the feelings are not so hot anymore. Do not offer words like: ‘This problem will seem small to you in a few years,’ or ‘You will laugh at this when you become an adult.’ Her problems seem humongous to her in the moment and she has got every right to feel her feelings.
If she acts completely outside the moral code you tried to instil in her, wait a few days before you communicate that to her, unless it puts her life or wellbeing in danger. While communicating your concerns to her, do not make her feel small or put her sanity into question. She may not even remember what she said then or… she may have changed her mind, again. Whatever the case may be, she needs to feel she has the right to her own opinion.
She needs a good deal of freedom and some limits at the same time.
Your teenage daughter needs to have more freedom the older she gets. The freedom should be getting more and more abundant as she grows up. It should be dosed responsibly and depend on her ability to manage it. At the same time you need to assure her that you trust her to make good decisions while enjoying her freedom. You also need to make it crystal clear that there are limits. If she makes bad decisions lies and comes back really late from that party, or sneaks out of the house, or promises something and doesn’t keep her promise or doesn’t show up, there will be consequences. Surprisingly enough, the limits are what your teenage daughter wants. They make her feel safer. You do not need to apologize for caring enough to implement them.